Jus Ideas

You sit there. Coy, shy, quiet, unassuming.

But it leaves me touched. As if everytime you look at me you cut me with a sharp small knife I feel it for minutes after and I want more. I will always want more. 

Tonight it was strong. Your lips, your eyes, your hands… If only they were all on me. I always question what I would do if I always had you. If I could share more than a few moments with you how it would be. I build this alternate reality where we are together with reality stiched together perfectly. No insecurities. No past. No future. Just us. It drives me insane because once in a while you lead me into this alternate reality. 

Right now though, you aren’t do anything. It makes me yearn for the alternate reality. The one where I walk into the bathroom and you follow me. Your hands guide your lips and my body doesn’t know how to say no. This is when I start to breathe heavy and start to wonder if I deserve something more. And in the morning after when we are waking up to the cold sun I realize I do deserve something more and I could have it with anyone else but I wouldn’t want it. Then I start to really question myself as your hand traces my body and as I start to inspect your other hand deeply. “Would I really keep you if I had you? or would I run away like I do with everyone else? Do I really want you or do I want something I can’t really have because there is no responsibility or worth in my words beyond the one night every few months?” 

I don’t want to test it. Right here, right now, these lips, these eyes, these meaningless words they spark something that I don’t want to see die. Not yet. Just don’t let it die yet. Lie to me, whisper to me, touch me, pretend this is the last night. I will forgive you in the morning. Just be you. All I want is you.

Anxiety creeps up the spine. It sings to the heart. It spawns children in your subconscious. The first child is doubt. The second is fear. The third is distress. These children like to play in your mind. Stir up thoughts and feelings and repress them as well. Could you? Would you? Why? How? But? No. No? The children mess up your mind so much that you can’t think. You ignore the issue. Choose a path with less questions. And now you feel serene or is it just a lack of feelings? Yes you are just numb. Saying what you need to say to move along your newly chosen path? You start realize these words that your exchanging as currency are just lies and you try to move faster hoping no one will know that you cheated them. And now you are so deep in your lies you have lost your way and are at another fork in the road. Anxiety looks upon you now like a sheep that tried to run way from the flock. Go ahead. Choose your path. I dare you.

It’s weird how my mother always warned me about men. Men in general. How they are only interested in your body or your money. How they just want to use you. To tell you the truth, I respect men like that. Simple and easy to read.  The other type of men, and I understand that there are many type of men out there, but the OTHER type of men that seem to be in only interested in you to break you. Those are the type of men I wish my mother warned me about.